


I Was The One Worth Leaving

by confundedgryffindor



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Break Up, First War with Voldemort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Kinda, M/M, Originally Posted on Tumblr, anyways a fuck tonne of angst, birthday fic for my GURL, happy birthday mate, so i wrote this for ash and she wanted angst so here i am, there's like no fluff i'm not gonna lie to you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-11
Updated: 2019-03-11
Packaged: 2019-11-15 19:36:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18079637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/confundedgryffindor/pseuds/confundedgryffindor
Summary: It was perfect. It was all too perfect.-this is literally just angst that i wrote for ash for her birthday, originally posted on tumblr





	I Was The One Worth Leaving

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ashes_and_ashes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashes_and_ashes/gifts).



> this is kinda inspired by the district sleeps alone tonight by the postal service (which is a great fucking song by the way)
> 
> it's written for ash, who wanted angst for some reason. she's the actual best and she deserves all the love in the world and she liked this so here it is on ao3

His feet felt heavy as he walked back to the flat. The flat that he forgot he even owned most of the time. The flat that was probably dusty, whose fridge which was probably filled with moldy food.

His feet felt so heavy that he almost fell to the ground with every step. He could’ve Apparated to save himself from the walk of misery, but he decided against it. He needed fresh air. His face still twitched from the seemingly endless sobbing, and though the violent sobbing had subdued, tears were still streaming down his face.

With shaking hands, he lit yet another cigarette. His fifth? His sixth? He’d lost track. It was only a thirty minute walk from Remus’ flat, and how he’d managed to smoke so many cigarettes in such a short amount of time was beyond him.

-

_“Moony!” Sirius laughed. “Moony, stop tickling me!”_

_His stomach hurt from laughing, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Not when Remus was looking at him like that._

_They were in bed, like they were most weekends, the sun was casting a golden glow through the window, not a cloud in sight. Remus was straddling Sirius’ hips, long fingers dancing over his ribs. It was perfect. Remus was perfect. The way his eyes crinkled up when he laughed. The way the scars followed his laughter, curving over his face without looking as threatening. The way his curly hair flopped over his forehead, glittering in the sun. His t-shirt that was actually Sirius’, so it was a little too tight, the way it stretched over his chest. It was perfect._

_Remus’ hands went up to cup Sirius’ face._

_“I love you,” he said, still smiling. “I love you so much I think I’ll explode sometimes,”_

_“I love you more,” Sirius placed his hand over Remus. He propped himself up on his free elbow. “I couldn’t live without you,”_

_Remus kissed him, a little sloppy and a little uncoordinated, but kissed him nonetheless. Sirius could taste the cigarette they shared a few minutes ago on his tongue._

_It was all too perfect._

-

Sirius swallowed hard. The key to Remus’ flat was still on his keychain, along with his own key. The key that almost felt like a stranger to his own eyes.

He didn’t feel like he fit in, not in this large apartment complex. It wasn’t his home, Remus was.

He turned his key, but he didn’t open the door. His eyes started prickling with tears again. Fuck. How did he manage to fuck up something so perfect?

“Mr. Black?” a voice behind him said. He jumped and turned around, sniffling and wiping his hand over his face in the process.

“Oh, hello, Mrs. Anders,” his voice was hoarse and almost distant to his own ears. He blinked a couple of times and wiped his eyes again.

“Are you alright, dear? I haven’t seen you much in the last couple of months,” Mrs. Anders was always nice to him, she always gave him kind smiles and invited him for tea. At least when he permanently lived here.

“Oh yeah, I’m fine,” he let out a shuddering sigh. “‘S just been… A long day. I’ll be alright though,”

He forced a smile and finally opened his door, and stepped into the expected mess.

-

_“We need to clean,” Remus stated. They were having breakfast, toes brushing against each other under the table. Sirius let out a loud, suffering groan._

_“Nooo…” he whined. “I wanna stay in bed and cuddle all day…” He dragged his bare foot over Remus’ leg, a slight smirk tugging on his lips._

_“Come on, Pads,” Remus sighed, but he was smiling. “We just need to dust and wipe down some cupboards and hoover the floor,” He took a sip from his tea._

_“And change the sheets,” Sirius added, his foot still stroking Remus’ leg. Remus laughed and shook his head._

_“And change the sheets,” he repeated back to Sirius._

_Cleaning with Remus, as it turned out, was actually fun. They decided to do it without magic - they were never good with household spells._

_Later, they slumped down back in bed, music was playing softly from the corner of Remus’ bedroom and they were sharing a cigarette again._

_“I love you,” Sirius said. “More than I’ve ever loved anything or anyone else,”_

-

Sirius stared down at his bed, it had a layer of dust covering it which he vanished with a sloppy wave of his wand. He shed his cloak and his shoes, leaving them on a pile on the floor, then he curled up on the bed.

It was cold and smelled of dust and just… Not lived in. He wouldn’t be surprised if there was a few spots of mold on it.

He wanted to keep crying, but no tears fell. He wanted to scream, to punch something, but instead he just lay there, with a hollow ache in his chest. He wanted to go back, to hug Remus and yell that he was sorry, but he wasn’t sure he could ever look into his eyes again.

-

_“Do you really think it’s me?” Remus asked. His jaw was tense, his hands were shaking. He looked as though he hadn’t slept in a week, with dark circles under his eyes and new scabs and bruises littering his body. Sirius took a shuddering breath._

_“Who else could it be, Re?” Sirius retorted. He wasn’t angry, and deep down he knew that Remus wasn’t the spy. It couldn’t be Remus._

_“Is it because I’m a Dark Creature?” Remus pulled at his hair. It was greying. Twenty one years old and his hair was greying. “It is, isn’t it? You’ve finally decided I’m not trustworthy,” He laughed, a dry, sarcastic laugh. Sirius cringed at the sound. “It took you a decade to decide that this was the time to leave me,”_

_“Well there’s no other explanation! It’s not me! It’s not Prongs and Evans!” Sirius snapped. “You’ve been disappearing for weeks on end and nobody fucking knows where you are!” He mirrored Remus by running his hands through his hair, pulling at the ends._

_“Who else could it fucking be?!” Sirius yelled. Remus slammed his fist into the wall._

_“IT’S NOT ME!” he roared. Sirius backed away, his breath caught in his throat. “We’ve been friends for ten fucking years! We’ve been dating for four! How could you possibly believe that it’s me?!”_

_“I don’t know, okay?! I just-,”_

_“Leave,” Remus said. He wasn’t shouting anymore, he just sounded… Tired._

_“What?”_

_“Leave!”_

_And so he did._

-

Sirius didn’t sleep all night, he just lay in bed and stared at the wall. Sometimes tears rolled down his face, gathering in a puddle on his pillow. Sometimes he considered smothering himself with his pillow. This was the first time that he slept alone in his own bed since him and Remus practically moved in together. It felt cold and dark despite the mocking sun rays that spilled in through the cracks in his blinds.

But after a few hours, he finally decided to go into the kitchen. His owl, Hades, was sitting on top of his cage on the kitchen counter.

“Hi…” Sirius whispered and scratched Hades’ head. “Did Remus send you back?”

The owl hooted and Sirius nodded, “I thought so. You don’t mind sending him a letter, do you?”

The owl hooted again. Sirius smiled softly and rummaged through his cupboards for some owl treats.

***

Remus was sitting by the kitchen table, staring right ahead, holding a cigarette loosely between his fingers. He wasn’t even bothering with vanishing the smoke.

He heard a sharp tapping on his window and turned around. Hades was right outside his window, holding an envelope in his beak. Remus opened his window with a scowl.

“I don’t want to see you,” he hissed. “Or hear from Pa- Sirius, for that matter,”

The owl disregarded his scowl and flew in. He perched himself on the kitchen table and dropped the letter in front of him. Remus snatched it up and tore it open. A key fell onto the table with a clatter, along with a short letter.

_‘Remus_

_I am so sorry. What I said was unforgivable._

_I don’t believe that you’re the spy. I never did. I just want someone to put the blame on so badly, it just makes everything easier._

_I understand if you never want to see me again, hell, I never want to see me again. I finally understand why I was the one worth leaving._

_Anyways, I gave you your key back. If you want to beat the shit out of me or something un-Moony like like that, you know where to find me_

_Yours always, Sirius_

_PS. Please be nice to Hades, he didn’t do anything wrong’_

Remus gave a watery chuckle and took a drag from his cigarette. He scratched Hades’ head and bit his lip. The ink on the parchment was blotched and he could clearly smell the salty tears. He wasn’t sure how to feel, really. He wanted to burn the letter and send Hades back empty handed, at the same time as he just wanted to Apparate to Sirius’ flat and snog him senseless against a wall.

Sighing, he picked up a scrap piece of parchment and began scribble lazily. Hades hooted happily.

_‘Give me time to think.’_

**Author's Note:**

> say hi to [ me ](https://confunded-gryffindor.tumblr.com/) and [ ash ](https://ashes-and-ashes-dust-and-dust.tumblr.com/) on tumblr


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